You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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