I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Holy shit dude........stairs
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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