i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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