The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize