So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
