You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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