Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
