So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
