if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
