Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
