i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
