My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
