if you like me you must not know who I am
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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