he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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