That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
