Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
