Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
