WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
