I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dicks are not precious.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
