you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
