You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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