Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
