anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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