it wasn't lemon gatorade
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
