the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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