me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
