Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
