It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
