dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
