I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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