so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
