What a fucking waste of an outfit
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
