I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
