he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
