chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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