I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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