remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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