The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
