I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
