Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
