i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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