Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i've created a new STD.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
