i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
