Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
