how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
