my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
