If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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