Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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