I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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