If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
