part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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