they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
