to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
