when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
