I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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