they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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