Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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