I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
