Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
