At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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