She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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