your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
