I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
