i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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