I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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